12•22•10

i haven't written in a while... so, let's catch everyone up!

the past six days-- i've been dying! (exaggerating, ha! i am a drama queen :]) i've been sick with fever and flu like symptoms and i don't want to be sick anymore... but yet, i've still been going going going... getting everything done like i should.

so right now, with me drinking my theraflu :) i guess let me get going on with what's been going on with me... 

well, i've been doing stepwork! still on step 4-- i hate this step. last night went to dee's going away dinner, which i should of stayed at home in bed, but i enjoyed going there anyway... made some new friends :)) something that's been a problem for me here lately is me always trying to make others happy, instead of me doing what makes me happy! i know i won't go anywhere in life pleasing other people but i don't like people being mad at me :( i want everyone to like me! hahaha. which i know that is not reality whatsoever! but wouldn't that be nice? anyways, with that being said... i guess i am going to lay down in my bed, curl up in a ball, and GO TO SLEEP AND GET SOME REST FOR ONCE! hahaha.

change.

the past is the past for a reason, right? so, why do we hold onto things that will never be? why do we hold onto the things that hurt us everytime we think about them? i'm saying "we" hoping i am not the only one that feels this way... me, well-- i hold resentments... and a lot of them. a lot of the resentments i hold i brought them upon myself with my own doing.

the past six and a half months, i have dealt with myself-- clean and sober... trying to figure out me, and who i am and what i like... which this process is hard! sometimes i feel like i'll never get it! and at days, i do think i will... it is a ROLLERCOASTER. i sit here and i can talk about what i should be doing and what's right, but the question is am i talking the talk? or am i walking the walk...?

here lately i feel as if maybe, i am slacking... forgetting about the big picture? i am still really trying to figure out who i am and what i might like because honestly i don't know what i like... i've really became CLOSE MINDED here lately. at the beginning of my recovery i was very VERY open minded.. now i feel as if i am closing my mind to anything.. like my mind is telling me I'VE GOT THIS! which i know isn't true-- i don't got this... and i know i don't. i know i may have changed alot, but i want to become more open minded to situations... if somethings not the way that i think it should be then automatically i'm like NOPE aint happening.. to whatever this situation may be? if that makes sense? it does to me...

i'm ready for the change... i'm tired of feeling the way i feel.. all i got to do is the step work! why am i procrastinating so long to do it? why not get it done with? get to that point of CHANGE!?! i'm slacking, alot. and i feel it, and i dont like it. but i want the work to do itself, but i know that that won't happen...

it's time to get my butt in gear and do the work! time to step up and do what God wants me to do... its time to make that change!♥

hope♥

it's hope that's there when you're in need

to somewhere, somehow plant the seed

that yes, there's hope to carry on;

support the weak and make them strong.

whatever contest may be held

or when it seems your cause be felled,

when all seems lost and without reason

hope springs alive, she'll have her season.

that little seed from long ago

she planted thre will start to grow,

because of hope we'll all survive

because we all kept hope alive.

that seed she nestled in our breast

that helps make us our very best,

an angel's gift she loves to share

you'll always know hope is there.

addict/alcoholic...

so tonight i get a phone call from a really good friend... i could tell things had been bothering this person alot! for a while now...

keep in mind this person(an addict) got clean and sober on their own with out rehab.. without the 12 steps...

they called tonight, they told me some pretty personal things that broke my heart. things like they want to go back out and use-- their head isnt right. told me they didnt think being clean and sober is worth it. in a hopeless state of mind to where they think no matter what they did or how they did it they will never be happy so they should go back out and use.

i am really upset to hear this... i remember those days- that hopeless state of mind. the thought that no matter what you did clean or using would ever be good enough. the fact that you will never be happy again. forgot what being happy actually was... the fact that the only the you do is HURT people. sitting there thinking everyday that the only reason to be put on this earth is to die. so screw it? why not just hit the pipe if all your doing is thinking about how much you've screwed up and how you can't go back and change it...

it's not true. you, them, anyone can make a change... it's not about how strong you are-- its not about how much money you have... it's about HOW WILLING YOU ARE TO GO THROUGH WITH THAT CHANGE. alot of people tell me all the time "erica, you are so strong!" and all that great stuff which i am thankful that people see that! but the thing is, this didnt take strength.. it took me being willing to change. me being willing to go to rehab to stop living the life i was living. to sit there and hear this person tell me those things broke my heart because i have been in there shoes. i know what it feels like to feel like there is no hope.

i know there is nothing i can do, but take them to a meeting... suggest rehab and from there on that is their decision to make. this disease of addiction is no joke. i know people joke around and say they are alcoholics... but the thing is-- this disease will KILL you if you have it. and it doesnt care what color what size and what sex you are... the key isn't to stop using.. it's to stop STARTING. we can all think we can quit. which we can... two hrs with out using, hey that's considered quitting.. its all about STOP STARTING. it's sad that people die from this disease.. a FEELINGS DISEASE. addicts/alcoholics dont want to feel! i know what its like... and if you or someone you know has this disease of addiction or alcoholism take a stand and help. if they want that help.

i know that if it wasnt for everyone that is in my life right now, and the people who stood by MY SIDE through all of this i would either be in jail OR dead. and that's facts. i hope if you do have this problem and no one knows about it that you will step up and maybe be willing to stop it. cause your not fooling anyone but yourself. if no one has told you today, i love you... and i know what it feels like and i am here for anyone that needs help. i pray for the suffering addict/alcoholic who is still out there suffering and doesn't know that there is a new way to live...

update.

well, i have been really busy to post anything-- sorry! :) but i guess we'll go back to my birthday and i will update you from there.


well, december 2nd was my birthday... that day my kiddos and my friends from work threw me a suprise bday party! i was really greatful! it was probably one of the best birthday parties i have had in a very long time! that night mom and my aunt and my little brother came in-- i got another cake and some AWESOME GIFTS! we went out to eat and spent some time together. the next night, i hung out with my friend hallie bolton-- we played taboo.. :)) and went out to eat. needless to say, the birthday weekend was GREAT! my house threw me a little shin-dig for my birthday as well... MEXICAN FIESTA! :)) thanks to everyone i have in my life right now i honestly couldn't of asked for a better birthday!

now, i know i mentioned being scared and everything being 21, but now-- it just shows me how much more WILLING i am to keep doing what i am doing and to take suggestions from my great wonderful sponsor! :)

everything has been going pretty smooth, no drama. just a good life- i've been doing some research on OXFORD (which is the house i stay in) to learn more about it... i've been getting into service work and just trying to do the right thing!

i'll post more later when i actually have something to talk about? ha!

big two one.

well, i dont really know what to think right now ... i will be 21 less than two hours-- and i am so scared. yeah, i know- most people are excited and happy about being 21. not this girl...

i am so terrified right now-- i am scared cause know legally i will be able to buy beer. which i am an alcoholic-- and i know things will get hard for me and i just hope i dont go to that store and buy that beer. reason being, a) i will lose everything i have worked so hard for. b) i will no longer have some of the friends that i have made, which they are amazing. c) i will let a LOT of people down.

this worries me, so much! around the holidays-- and i am already having a tough time at that. tomorrow will be six months clean and sober for me-- which i am really excited about. mom is coming down with my little brother for my birthday. no complaints. just frightened.

i know with the TOOLS that i have learned over the past six months and the closer i have come to God, i know that i am okay. I have faith that i will remain clean and sober-- just a little bit scared of how to deal with this..

i am going to keep doing what i am doing-- seems to be working for me.  which is take suggestions from my WONDERFUL SPONSOR. and listen to the people that care about me. keep my head up and stay strong-- nothing can bring me down.

distractions...

well, i've found my mind doing tricky things and wondering once again! lets see... my mind is making me think that i'm starting to like people... when i am REALLY not. my mind has got me distracted on other things than what i should be worried about. my mind has got me believing, yet once again, that i am not doing a good enough job as a person and/or what i should be doing isn't good enough either.

the mind works in mysterious ways, and I DONT LIKE IT! ha. everything my mind is thinking are distractions on how i truly feel. i dont know about you-- but i dont like to feel anything. i dont like to feel pain when i am hurt. i dont like to feel sad when i'm let down. i dont like feelings at all-- that just shows how much my disease (addiction) controls my life. wait, i worded that wrong. that is how much i let my disease control my life. my life i let run on self will-- i try to be in control. i try to play GOD. and i can tell you, it isnt working out for me.

right now, i am dealing with the stress of the holidays with the loss of my two grandparents this year and the fact i am trying a new way of life and living sober. dont get me wrong, i love my new life-- its way better than the life i was living. but it's hard changing and trying to realize "erica, you don't like that guy! he is just an easy distraction for you" or "erica, your seriously about to go hangout with friends when you know you have things that are needed to be done with your RECOVERY!"

i'm getting to this point in my life where seriously enough is enough.. what will it take for me to completey one hundred percent turn this all over to God and live happy, joyous, and free? all i got to do is do it right? well, much easier said than done. i am a control freak. i like things to go my way. and i love to know whats going on pretty much 24/7... but the feelings that i am feeling right now i need to turn over to God and let Him take control. you know, i see and hear all the time of these people that let God control their life and they are so happy! there is my proof so what's stopping me from doing it?

i know this will pass and i know that i will be better. i just wish it would hurry up and happen. that's when patience steps in-- which i dont have much of that either..

i am a work in progress! and i am trying so hard and just want to say thanks to those who have supported me along the way.

waiting...

Wait. If the time is not right, the way is not clear, the answer not consistent, wait.
We may feel a sense of urgency. We may want to resolve the issue by doing something- anything now, but the action is not in our best interest.
Living with confusion or unsolved problems is difficult. It is easier to resolve things. But making a decision too soon, doing something before it's time, means we may have to go back and re-do it. If the time is not right, wait. If the way is not clear, do not plunge forward. if the answer or decision feels muddy, wait.
In this new way of life, there is a Guiding Force. We do not ever have to move too soon or move out of harmony. Waiting is an action- a positive forceful action.
Often, waiting is a God-guided action, one with as much power as a decision, and more power than an urgent, ill-timed decision.
We do not have to pressure ourselves by insisting that we do or know something before it's time. When it is time, we will know. We will move into that time naturally and harmoniously. We will have peace and consistency. WEll will feel empowered in a way we do not feel today.
Deal with the panic, the urgency, the fear; do not let them control or dictate decisions.
Waiting isn't easy. It isn't fun. But waiting is often necessary to get what we want. It is not deadtime; it is not downtime. The answer will come. The power will come. The time will come. And it will be right.

Today I will wait, if waiting is the action I need in order to take care of myself.

I will know that I am taking a positive, forceful action by waiting until

the time is right. God, help me let go of my fear, urgency, and panic.

Help me learn the art of waiting until the time is right. Help me learn timing.



I found this passage in my binder that I had gotten in rehab. After reading this several times, I felt as if I should share this with all of you. Patience is something that not many of us have. This has helped me look at things a little bit differently. Even though the things that I want now may seem what's right at the time, they may not be. Everything happens for a reason. That's why we take a step at a time to get through life. God puts people and things in our life and sometimes takes those people or things away. As much as I wished for my grandparents to be at this Thanksgiving Holiday this past week, I must understand that they are in a better place. They are no longer on this earth trying to figure out how to handle or deal with things anymore. They have lived life's lesson and fulfilled God's will. They both impacted my life, and I could never be more thankful to have spent the time I had with them.

I forget to look at the bigger picture of things. Yes, my grandparents are gone now. And yes, that is hard to deal with. Now, I have time to spend with my family. To get closer with my family. The time is now. Even though the things I want I may never get, but God intends to give me better. And I have faith one day, I will see them again. And when that daycomes I will be happy. Until then I will still be happy and forever live the life I intend to live.

step three...

"Made the decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood him."


Being convinced, I was at Step 3. Which is that I decided to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood Him. Just what do I mean by that, and what do I do?
The first requirement is that I be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis I am almost always in collinson with something or somebody, even though my motives are good. I try to live by self-propulsion. I am like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenerary, and the rest of the players in my own way. If my arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as I wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including me, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements I may sometimes be quite virtious. I may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, I may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But, as most humans, I am more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off as well. I begin to think that life doesn't treat me right. I decide to exert myself more. I become, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit me.
Admitting I may somewhat at fault, I am sure that otehr people are more to blame. I become angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is my basic trouble? Am I not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Am I not a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and hapiness out of this world if only I manage well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things I want? And do not my actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can to get out of the show? Am I not, even in my best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
I am self-centered, ego-centric as like to call it nowadays. I am like the retired business man who lolls in Florida sunshine in the winter complaining in the sad state of nation; the minister who sighs over the sin of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever my protestations, am I not concerned with myself, my resentments, or my self-pity?
Selfishness- Selfcenteredness! That, I think, is the root of my troubles. Driven by 100 forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me, seemingly without provocation, but I invariably find that at sometime in the past I have made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt.
So my troubles, I think, are basically of my own making. They arise cut out of myself, and the alcoholic (me) is an extreme example of self-will run riot though usually I don't think so. Above everything, I must be rid of this selfishness. I must of it will kill me! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. I had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but I could not live up to them, even though I would have liked too. Neither could I reduce my self-centeredness much by wish or trying on my own power. I had to have God's help.
This is the how and why of it. First of all, I had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, I decided that here after in this drama of life, God was going to be my director. He is the prinicipal; I am His agent. He is the Father; and I am His child. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which I passed to freedom.
When I sincerely took such a position, all sort of remarkable things followed. I had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what I needed if I kept Him close and performed His work well. Established on such footing I became less and less interested in myself, my little plans and designs. More and more I became interested in seeing what I contribute to life. As I felt new power flow in, as I enjoyed peace of mind, as I discovered I could face life successfull, as I became conscious of His presence, I began to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. I was re-born.


Revised By: Erica Morris
From: THE BIG BOOK OF A.A.
Alcoholics Anonymous.

step two...

"Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us back to sanity."


My Conception of God:

My God is a loving, caring, understanding God. Who has never turned His back on me when I have turned my back on Him. He forgives me for my mistakes. He forgives me for my actions and behaviors that are not in His will. When I ask for His forgiveness He listens and gives me true blessings. He never will give up on me. His expectations of me are nothing more than what I can handle. He loves me for me and I know I will fulfill His will.

there's got to be more...

yesterday was really hard for me-- and i am sure others in my family. yesterday was "our rock's" birthday... the first birthday without her-- you know we can look at it either two ways... but i'll get to those later. i was pretty down yesterday... isolated, is more the word i am looking for. i really didn't want to be around anyone-- and you would think as much as i have learned over the five months i would of taken yesterday and made it positive. didnt work that way... i was being selfish and wanted to be able to spend time with my memaw on her birthday. the two ways to look at the whole situtation is... one you can be selfish and wish that she was still suffering down here... or two-- she has had her first birthday with Jesus.. and i am sure it was the best birthday she's ever had!

i dont know if it's the holidays that have got me down or what it is... here lately i have been having this feeling that something is missing... like-- there has got to be more than what i am actually seeing... and i am not sure what it is-- it's scary really... i am the type of person that NEEDS to know everything that is going on at all times.. well lets change that NEEDS to WANTS. i know God has big plans for me i just wish i knew what these plans were.. people always tell me I AM GOING TO GO FAR and DO GREAT THINGS IN LIFE... i just sometimes wish i knew when that would happen .. ha! this is were the impatient part of me kicks in... you know? i am a work in progress-- not a perfection. i have got to keep my head up and live one day at a time...

because we've only got today♥

a wonderful weekend:))

well, what a weekend! so much has been going on that i havent even had hardly anytime to get on facebook or anything :/ lame! ha! anyways... friday drove mom's car back to paris to her... saturday morning got up super early to go get my NEW CAR:)) and then went and helped set up for THANKSGIVING IN RECOVERY(which by the way was AWESOME) then came home-- went to bed early! woke up this morning to go to church, and then went and told MY STORY up at the rehab i went to [the right step:))]

this weekend has kept me so busy that right now, i am sooo thankful to be at home just RESTING! ha! i am so excited about this weekend... i get to spend time with my family for thanksgiving. my birthday is coming up-- man, just these past few months i have been just going going going... which is a good thing. i got to keep my mind busy, if i dont-- then we all know what happens next.. that darn STINKIN THINKIN! ;) i really don't have much to update on right now-- i got to get some things done around the house.. sooooooo, i will write more later.

have faith...

wow... drama equals paris. now, i know what an excuse was to drink/use drugs were! the people you THINK are your friends really show their true colors. when i lived in paris and was partying all the time i honestly thought majority of the people i partied and hung around with were my friends, insanity right?

tonight i get a phone call telling me that i was down in paris using drugs a couple weekends ago? hmm, i was not aware of this :/ but i guess since people are so caught up in my world and whats going on with me[cause it is all about me you know?]... people must spread rumors... whats sad is that those people cant  be happy for me-- the fact that i am clean and sober and that GREAT things are coming my way tend to rub people the wrong way i guess...
the only thing i can tell people is that those people that try to bring you down when you are working so hard for what you want are truly unhappy with their lives. those are the type of people we call "SICK". i need to start being more understanding towards those people... i hate the fact that people in paris our so just stuck in that world of irratability and discontentment. it hurts to know that people i have known since i was 13 and up arent just happy for me being clean and sober. so i guess this goes for ...dont believe anything you hear and only believe half of what you see....

i just want everyone to realize that if you are doing something to make you feel better about yourself and its God's will... keep going for it. never let anyone bring you down-- times get tough and things dont always go the way we think they should go. i've learned if i just keep my head up and STAND UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN then i won't fall for just anything. i have now got five months two weeks and four days clean now... and i am very proud of those days... its made me become someone i like-- someone i can truly be happy with. addiction will take you places you never thought you would go...

i am proud to be an alcoholic addict, and i am proud i have admitted and accepted the fact that i am.. because if i didnt-- i would be in the same boat as many others who have not admitted or accepted that fact. i would be just as miserable as i was six months ago. and if you are reading this and you are one of those people-- my heart goes out to you, because i do understand how hard it is to not want to drink but yet you do.. or how hard it is to stop doing drugs and you just CANT. i understand... and there are plenty of other people out there that are willing to help you... you have got to want to help yourself before we can though. everyday i ask myself if this is something i truly want. i can say yes, i would rather live the rest of my life not ever touching METH or a BEER ever again in my life... you want to know why? because i have found hope. i was a hopeless little dope fein with no way out... so i thought. when i got introduced to AA, NA, CA, and the 12 steps... i didnt want to do it, but i heard how it changed so many peoples lives-- and all it took was half the work it took to go get dope. so you ever just feel so hopeless that you think you cant get out-- your wrong. there is a way out, and there is a way to find hope.. you just got to want it.
with me the problem wasnt the drugs or alcohol.. the problem was me-- i had a problem with who i was... i was unhappy && i was one of those people that would bring others down... now that i have a little bit of clarity and really and truly know who i am... i can be the person i want to be. ask yourself if how you are treating others is the way you want to be treated? and if not, then there is your oppurtunity to change what you are doing... and if no one has told you today i want you to know i love you-- i dont have to like you, but i do have to love you.

and blessings do come when you believe.

Yesterday was a complete turn around from how i felt the day before! its crazy just what can happen when you have faith!

Night before last my friend, Brittany Hebert, started looking for cars for me... i have no idea why she did it :/ she is truly an amazing friend and i honestly believe if it wasnt for her to motivate me just a little bit i would still be in this funk with no car!

yesterday i got a phone call from planet tan :)) i have an interview today with them at one! thank goodness i may finally being getting another job! so lets keep our fingers crossed! ;)

i went and looked at an 07 black cobalt last night :)) i am pretty sure i am getting it as soon as this CAR INSURANCE MONEY COMES IN!

its just so crazyyy how everything i was stressing about before [just 24hrs before] has changed so drastically! things do happen when you believe! i am a true witness of it! so if you ever feel how i felt just two days ago... be strong! hang in there everything is going to work out... even though it isnt working out on YOUR TERMS... it'll work out. it may work out even better than what you thought.

keep your head up-- God works in the most awesome ways.

&& life still goes on...

honestly, this has probably been the worst that i have felt in a very long time! i am letting my thinking get to me... once again, which is causing me to go like off the deep end here. i have been in this little "funk" for about three days now. I HATE it and i am sooo tired of it. its so hard to adapt to this "new way" of life i am living. last year, about this time i was going through some rough times. dealing with issues which are alot bigger than what i am dealing with now. but yet, then i could "drink a beer, which i thought was my solution to all my problems."

i am so sick and tired of being ALONE. i know everyone thinks being single is great. which dont get me wrong yes, it is very relaxing. and i dont have anyone bothering me ha! but i have this huge fear of being alone. and i aint getting any younger you know? i know, i am twenty and i have got plenty of time. and God will send me the right person, i just got to be patient blah blah blah.... i am just ready for him to send that "right person" and i hope he is cute. ;)

now, with that off my chest... on to the financial problems... gosh, where to begin? i am tired of being broke! i hate asking my mom or aunt or nana or whoever for money. i want to do it on my own. i love working for the ymca... i love the kids there. it is just so hard to find another job right now... i have been trying though.

i just stopped for a second... i read what i had wrote. you know honestly... i sit here and write crap like this.. or better yet think CRAP like this and yet my friends come to me with the same bologna. i can give them advice, but yet can't take my own? i am sitting here stressing about the things I DONT HAVE ... instead of appreciating the things that i do have. lets see.. i will make a list.

• i have a house.
• i have a job.
• i have wonderful friends.
• i have a loving and caring family that supports me.
• i have clothes.
• i have food.
• i have a cell phone.
• i have a bed.
• i have a new life.
• i no longer drink or drug anymore.
• i am actually living life now, and not just existing anymore.

you know, sometimes we sit here and complain about the things we dont have and dont look at what we do have. i know i do all the time. i need to sit back and thank God for allowing me to have these things. because i know how i am and i take things for granted... all the time. some people dont have the things that i do. its time for me to step back and let God do his work...
i tend to play God alot, well try to anyway. I need to let him do what he needs to do... because i am just getting in the way. i know i am not the only one that does this. so the next time you got yourself in one of these funks where you are just stressed about everything and dont even realize why you are in a funk. step back, be appreciative, and let go and let God.

five months and two weeks...

This morning I got up, went to church and went on with my sunday routine of going to my rehab and speaking to other alcoholics and/or addicts. This weekend has been kind of blah for me and I have realized some things in my life that need to be changed.

Well, I have been trying to build a relationship with my dad since I have been clean and sober. My memaw always told me I should have a relationship with my father even if he has done wrong in the past. I should "let it go" right? Well, since I have been clean I am really trying to follow this through. My dad is the type of person that anything and everything you try to do or do is NEVER good enough. I've got 5 months, and 2 weeks clean now. Just after I got out of rehab me and my dad talked and I was proud of me being clean just 30 days. He told me "once you're clean for 6 months then I believe you're done." Well, the past month I have tried calling him, when I am in Paris tried to see him. Needless to say, he is like NO WHERE around. Just once I want my dad to be proud of me. I know he has a lot going on right now, but doesn't he understand he HAS KIDS?! Honestly, the old me wants to come out and say SCREW YOU I don't need to have anything to do with you... you never have been in my life really before, right? Now that I am trying to change... I'm still trying to get through to him and make him proud. Which is dumb, I know. It's hard to get out of this mental mind frame though.

Another thing I have been struggling with is myself. Still trying to figure out "who I am". I have actually learned alot about myself the past few months which I am trying to change some of the things that are a PROBLEM. I am like one of the most impatient people in the world! God is testing me with my patience, I think, with this whole car issue. I wrecked my car almost two weeks ago and the insurance people are taking TEN YEARS to figure out if it is totaled or not.

I need to start listening to people more, and quit thinking! My thinking gets me no where... My thinking will lead me back to what I was doing just six months ago. I'm so thankful and greatful for the friends and family that I have in my life right now. They have stuck by my side through my struggles before, during, and after. I know I am going to be okay. If I don't like the way something is I HAVE to change it... and if I can't change it, then I will just have to change the way I think about it.

step one:

1) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.

Why I am an alcoholic addict:
• I've used/drank, told myself I was going to stop and then couldn't.
• When I use/drink I hurt others including myself.
• I cannot control my using/drinking.
• I would use drugs just so I wouldn't have to come down.
• I would drink to feel "normal"
• When I was hurt or pissed off I would use drinking as an excuse to make me calm down.
• Drank/Used when there was a problem that I couldn't fix or had no control over.
• I would get irratated if things wouldn't go my way.
• I always felt irratable or discontent.
• I was very selfish and I would lie, cheat, or steal to get what I wanted.

You know the problem wasn't the drugs or alcohol. Those were just symptoms of my disease. In rehab, they taught me that ADDICTION is a FEELINGS DISEASE. Until I learned that the problem wasn't the alcohol or drugs I wasn't ready to complete the 12 Steps. The problem was ME. I had a problem with who I was/am. I still to this day am still trying to figure out who I am. I will always be alcoholic and I will always be an addict, but I never have to get sober again. The person I was before June 2nd of 2010 is never the person I want to be ever again.

my story...

June 2nd of 2010 was the day that my life totally changed. Before this day I was in active addiction. I had always drank growing up from the time I was 13 to 20 years old. I had occasionally messed around with drugs. When I was 14 I smoked weed, at the age of 15 I was using Meth, and at the age of 18 I was doing any kind of pill I could have. Basically anything that could make me feel different I would use. Growing up my dad was never really in my life so that left my mom at age 19 to raise me on her own... along with the help of my aunt kathy, and my memaw. My mom raised me the best that she could due to being a young mother. She has always taught to me to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. Honestly, I couldn't of asked for a better mother because it's hard raising a kid on your own. I grew up in a big family... My memaw had six children. My mom being the youngest, my ungle Greg as the only boy, my aunt Laura, my aunt Kathy, my aunt Angie, and aunt Trisha. Each of them have kids atleast 2 or more. And majority of their kids have kids... HUGE FAMILY! Growing up my memaw was everyone's rock! The go-to person... if you needed to hear the truth and the HARSH truth at that she would be the one to tell you straight up! She was 39 when she had my mom so she was 58 when i was born. She was a lot older than most grandmothers were where I from. While I was growing up I stayed with her a lot. During my early teenage years my mom was in active drug addiction with her boyfriend at the time (now they are married). So I stayed with my memaw a lot. Growing up we never had "money" to just go and blow. Well, we probably had money to blow if it wasn't going to other places that it had went to. When I was 16 I lost my best friend, Brittany Brown. I quit smoking and drinking and everything else I was doing for about 6 months then started back again. Anyways, I went to a small school, Chisum High School, and graduated early to move to Nacogdoches, Tx. Yet another decision I made. I moved back to Paris on may 8th of 2009... Life went downhill from here. I started drinking everyday. Me and one of my friends that I grew up with Haley Trammel, decided that it was a GOOD IDEA to get an apartment! :/ yeah, anyways.. not such a good idea with two people who didn't have jobs! Waste of money right there. We then got kicked out of that apartment and I found myself at age 19 living with my mom. Not in "MY PLAN" at all. At this time, I couldn't stand to be around my mom. I would always tell people me and her are too much alike to get along. [Shows you how selfish I was]. I drank and partied my little tail off in the year of 2009. I ended up totalling out a car in November due to drinking and taking xanex. I didn't have insurance on the car. So, there went more money. On March 12, 2010 my memaw passed away. I've always told people the day she dies I would completely lose it. Well, I lost it. I started just 7 days later using meth. I used it EVERYDAY for 3 months. In April, I ended up totalling out another car. I was up for several days and due to the drug use ended up getting like 6000 dollars for the car, but that didn't even pay the car off. You know what is sad about that? I didn't even care... I was just worried about the dope and how now I was going to get the dope. I didn't care about wrecking my car if I had hurt anyone. My addiction took me to things that I would never do to people. None of my friends wanted anything to do with me. It got to the point to where I was basically homeless. My friends Mallory Evans, Chris Mason, and Sammy Rollerson wanted to help, but they knew there was nothing they could do. My mom was the most hurt by this, but that didn't phase me at all. So on June 2nd of 2010 I decided to go to rehab. I never thought I would have to make this decision... I always thought if I wanted to stop I could stop. I'm not an addict. I'm not addicted to drugs. Going to rehab was the best decision I had ever made in my life. I've always hated who I was honestly because I've never known who I really am. You know, I can say... People do change. Sometimes it takes hitting rock bottom to do it, but its done. June 2nd 2010 is the day that I knew my life had become unmanagable and I was powerless over alcohol and drugs.