questions in my head...

At times I sit and think-- is it good enough? Do I do a good enough job? What's good enough? Why do I think this? Has there ever been a time in my life that I have been good enough? Saturday will be ten months clean and sober... Did I earn these ten months of sobriety? What were my motives? Are my motives good enough? What's even "good enough" anymore? Then again-- is anything that anyone does for me "good enough"? Do I trust anyone enough to where I can believe them when they say "it's good enough"? This is supposed to be a new beggining-- but why does it feel like me just running on a hamster wheel of life? Constantly going, but I'm getting no where! When does it end? Where does it begin? Have I lost all faith? Is it I just don't have enough faith? Can I make that difference in someone's life? Can I BE that difference in someone's life? Do I make people proud? And if I do-- do I thrive on being told that someone is proud of me? And if I do-- what are my motives? What's my motives for everything? Staying sober, is it for the attention? Putting on an act that I am strong... Am I really as strong as I think I am? If I am strong as I think I am-- why do I let fear control me? Why am I posting this? Is there anyone out there that have these same questions go through their head? What am I going to do to change these thoughts? How willing am I to change it? How honest can I get to let go of the past and move forward? The past is the past... Why not let it go? Why not live in the now? Now is my new beggining... every minute of everyday-- cherish it. The hardest part is starting over-- let go of the things that keep me from my dreams- Let God take care of the things I can't control... but most importantly I need to pray, ask God to remove these thoughts from me. Keep my head up and do what I think God wants me to do. Then yes, that will be good enough. 

insanity! pure insanity! :)

Well, want to hear something crazy? At 9 1/2 months sober I am still insane! Ha! The great thing is I can now identify it and change it! And if I can't change it, I can ask God to change it. That's what great about this program! Well, I've ran into this problem of pleasing everyone else and making sure that I do what makes them happy that I've totally lost track of what makes me happy! Why? I don't know. But the insane thing about this is and just shows how sick I am is... I still continue to do it! It's sad that I am 21 years old and still 100% don't know what I want! For a while I was figuring all that out, but I've let "distractions" get in the way... You know? I am sure I am not the only that does this? Atleast, I hope I am not the only one! Ha! When people look at me, I want to be that person that they can say "I want what she has". Dumb? I know... I am doing the best I can and growing alot! I can tell a miraculous change in me, and that's all by the grace of God. I just did a little bit of step work, and became willing to change. I wanted a different lifestyle, and just needed to change before I killed myself with the things I were putting in my body! I am greatful that I am still here today, because Lords knows I should of been dead a long time ago. Time to get ready for the day though, just remember... If you don't like something, change it. IF you can't change it, change the way YOU think about it. I mean, consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have trying to change someone else.. :)

breakin point...

i haven't expressed my feelings in a while or wrote on a blog in a while because i have been super busy with everything that's been going on in the past few months...

well, here recently i have had a lot of changes in my life-- not bad, they are good changes... it's just different! and as an addict, I DONT LIKE CHANGE AT ALL. hahahaha. well, i've just recently moved Oxford houses from Dallas to Carrolton. I LOVE THE NEW HOUSE! it's great... i do miss my old roomies though... alot! i wish i could talk to em a lot more because i havent really heard from any of em since i've left. which sucks! which i know i could text them too, just had a lot going on with moving and trying to get this house up and going... trying to make sure the girls here are happy. i know it's not my responsibility to do that, but for some reason i keep thinking it is... then i come back to reality and realize I CANT PLEASE EVERYONE. also i just took on a position in Oxford that sometimes can be really overwhelming. but it's good for me, i think... gets me more involved with something that has actually helped me out. Giving back. I havent been working my program to the best of my ability. i have actually slipped alot! not really working my program at all.. and i think that's the main thing thats wrong with me. not relying on God for my happiness and more relying on other people for it. So for now, i am taking a step back from the "GUY WORLD" and getting more focused on "GOD'S WORLD". i have to do what's best for me and these past few months being as miserable as i've been have shown me for sure that i cant be happy unless i keep my faith in God... all i have to do is the footwork, and He'll make sure that i have what i NEED. these past nine months have been a journey for me and i am taking it one day at a time.. some days are longer than others-- but i know once i get back on the right track... everything will work out and i will be okay! anyways, that's all i got for now, hopefully i will stick to this and keep everyone posted!!