life keeps moving forward...

Today, I sit and watch my little boy sleep... He's sick with croupe:( I can't stand when he's sick. Not only that, but when he's sick-- I have to miss work. As we know no work equals no money!!! Which we all know is very very very stressful!!! I have been stress eating so much it's crazy! Plus on top of the financial insecurities also as some of you may know my relationship status went from engaged to single-- I won't go into detail about that, but it has been hard. So, life is hitting pretty hard now you know?

Well, with all that going on its real easy to fall into that pit of "depression" and poor pitiful me. Well, I'm not going to do that anymore. I have a little boy who needs me, but also I have a god who can handle these stresses for me. It's my responsibility to turn all this over to something bigger than myself which to me is Jesus. He can take the daily struggles that I go through and give me peace. Now is this an easy task?? Well of course not, I like to take control of things and like things to play out the way I want them too. When all it takes is for me to turn things over to God and he can give me serenity over the trials that I go through.

I write this blog not only to help myself, but to also maybe help someone else who is struggling with what I may be struggling with-- thanks for your time:)

gratitude.

I haven't blogged in a really long time... I think it's about time I get to it! Ha! Well, May 2nd I had eleven months clean and sober. I have had so many experiences since I have blogged last... growing and learning experiences. I am truly blessed to have the people I have in my life. God put them there for a reason. I guess I will start about what's going on in my life....
I recently moved, well not so much recently, on March 5th to Carrollton to another Oxford House to help open it. The house actually burnt down last summer, and I was willing to help this house out and at first I thought it may of been a bad idea, but I can honestly say this has been an awesome experience! I love the people at my house, I have gotten close to the girls... I still love and miss the girls at my old house though too! I am glad God put the people in this house though.
Well, at the same time in moving I accepted at volunteer position in Oxford that has really opened up my eyes in helping others. Oxford has shown me a lot! I am so greatful to be apart of it! All in all, I am just truly blessed. I know I don't act like it a lot of the time, but I am truly greatful.
Well, in the mix of all this crazyness and change in my life I just got super stressed, of course. The main reason why... I wasn't relying on God. I was relying on self. I still do it. I had an experience with my sponsor today that has really shown me that God is there for me. All I have to do is rely on Him and do the next right thing. No matter if I want to or not. It's not about what I want anymore. It's about what He wants for me. I've got to trust God, clean house, and help others. Here lately, I am starting to realize it more and more. And yes, I know some are thinking why now? Why after 11 months? Well, I am stubborn! That's why. I am controlling, I want what I want and when I don't get what I want I mess things up! The whole thing is that God is in control. Not Erica. Nothing happens by mistake in God's world. People, places, and things are put in my life for my reason... and it's not for me to sit here and think why. It's the actions that I take upon those people, places, or things. If I just do what God tells me, then I am going to be okay. I am a work in progress. I have finally realized as wierd and strange as it may seems that I haven't done anything. I am not the one that has kept me sober. I am not the one that has done anything in my life. It's all God and for that... I am truly greatful for.

and p.s. my sponsor is AWESOME! and she's helped me greatly through this experience that has opened up my eyes. so if you are reading this (you know who you are) ... thanks! :)

questions in my head...

At times I sit and think-- is it good enough? Do I do a good enough job? What's good enough? Why do I think this? Has there ever been a time in my life that I have been good enough? Saturday will be ten months clean and sober... Did I earn these ten months of sobriety? What were my motives? Are my motives good enough? What's even "good enough" anymore? Then again-- is anything that anyone does for me "good enough"? Do I trust anyone enough to where I can believe them when they say "it's good enough"? This is supposed to be a new beggining-- but why does it feel like me just running on a hamster wheel of life? Constantly going, but I'm getting no where! When does it end? Where does it begin? Have I lost all faith? Is it I just don't have enough faith? Can I make that difference in someone's life? Can I BE that difference in someone's life? Do I make people proud? And if I do-- do I thrive on being told that someone is proud of me? And if I do-- what are my motives? What's my motives for everything? Staying sober, is it for the attention? Putting on an act that I am strong... Am I really as strong as I think I am? If I am strong as I think I am-- why do I let fear control me? Why am I posting this? Is there anyone out there that have these same questions go through their head? What am I going to do to change these thoughts? How willing am I to change it? How honest can I get to let go of the past and move forward? The past is the past... Why not let it go? Why not live in the now? Now is my new beggining... every minute of everyday-- cherish it. The hardest part is starting over-- let go of the things that keep me from my dreams- Let God take care of the things I can't control... but most importantly I need to pray, ask God to remove these thoughts from me. Keep my head up and do what I think God wants me to do. Then yes, that will be good enough. 

insanity! pure insanity! :)

Well, want to hear something crazy? At 9 1/2 months sober I am still insane! Ha! The great thing is I can now identify it and change it! And if I can't change it, I can ask God to change it. That's what great about this program! Well, I've ran into this problem of pleasing everyone else and making sure that I do what makes them happy that I've totally lost track of what makes me happy! Why? I don't know. But the insane thing about this is and just shows how sick I am is... I still continue to do it! It's sad that I am 21 years old and still 100% don't know what I want! For a while I was figuring all that out, but I've let "distractions" get in the way... You know? I am sure I am not the only that does this? Atleast, I hope I am not the only one! Ha! When people look at me, I want to be that person that they can say "I want what she has". Dumb? I know... I am doing the best I can and growing alot! I can tell a miraculous change in me, and that's all by the grace of God. I just did a little bit of step work, and became willing to change. I wanted a different lifestyle, and just needed to change before I killed myself with the things I were putting in my body! I am greatful that I am still here today, because Lords knows I should of been dead a long time ago. Time to get ready for the day though, just remember... If you don't like something, change it. IF you can't change it, change the way YOU think about it. I mean, consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have trying to change someone else.. :)

breakin point...

i haven't expressed my feelings in a while or wrote on a blog in a while because i have been super busy with everything that's been going on in the past few months...

well, here recently i have had a lot of changes in my life-- not bad, they are good changes... it's just different! and as an addict, I DONT LIKE CHANGE AT ALL. hahahaha. well, i've just recently moved Oxford houses from Dallas to Carrolton. I LOVE THE NEW HOUSE! it's great... i do miss my old roomies though... alot! i wish i could talk to em a lot more because i havent really heard from any of em since i've left. which sucks! which i know i could text them too, just had a lot going on with moving and trying to get this house up and going... trying to make sure the girls here are happy. i know it's not my responsibility to do that, but for some reason i keep thinking it is... then i come back to reality and realize I CANT PLEASE EVERYONE. also i just took on a position in Oxford that sometimes can be really overwhelming. but it's good for me, i think... gets me more involved with something that has actually helped me out. Giving back. I havent been working my program to the best of my ability. i have actually slipped alot! not really working my program at all.. and i think that's the main thing thats wrong with me. not relying on God for my happiness and more relying on other people for it. So for now, i am taking a step back from the "GUY WORLD" and getting more focused on "GOD'S WORLD". i have to do what's best for me and these past few months being as miserable as i've been have shown me for sure that i cant be happy unless i keep my faith in God... all i have to do is the footwork, and He'll make sure that i have what i NEED. these past nine months have been a journey for me and i am taking it one day at a time.. some days are longer than others-- but i know once i get back on the right track... everything will work out and i will be okay! anyways, that's all i got for now, hopefully i will stick to this and keep everyone posted!!

12•22•10

i haven't written in a while... so, let's catch everyone up!

the past six days-- i've been dying! (exaggerating, ha! i am a drama queen :]) i've been sick with fever and flu like symptoms and i don't want to be sick anymore... but yet, i've still been going going going... getting everything done like i should.

so right now, with me drinking my theraflu :) i guess let me get going on with what's been going on with me... 

well, i've been doing stepwork! still on step 4-- i hate this step. last night went to dee's going away dinner, which i should of stayed at home in bed, but i enjoyed going there anyway... made some new friends :)) something that's been a problem for me here lately is me always trying to make others happy, instead of me doing what makes me happy! i know i won't go anywhere in life pleasing other people but i don't like people being mad at me :( i want everyone to like me! hahaha. which i know that is not reality whatsoever! but wouldn't that be nice? anyways, with that being said... i guess i am going to lay down in my bed, curl up in a ball, and GO TO SLEEP AND GET SOME REST FOR ONCE! hahaha.

change.

the past is the past for a reason, right? so, why do we hold onto things that will never be? why do we hold onto the things that hurt us everytime we think about them? i'm saying "we" hoping i am not the only one that feels this way... me, well-- i hold resentments... and a lot of them. a lot of the resentments i hold i brought them upon myself with my own doing.

the past six and a half months, i have dealt with myself-- clean and sober... trying to figure out me, and who i am and what i like... which this process is hard! sometimes i feel like i'll never get it! and at days, i do think i will... it is a ROLLERCOASTER. i sit here and i can talk about what i should be doing and what's right, but the question is am i talking the talk? or am i walking the walk...?

here lately i feel as if maybe, i am slacking... forgetting about the big picture? i am still really trying to figure out who i am and what i might like because honestly i don't know what i like... i've really became CLOSE MINDED here lately. at the beginning of my recovery i was very VERY open minded.. now i feel as if i am closing my mind to anything.. like my mind is telling me I'VE GOT THIS! which i know isn't true-- i don't got this... and i know i don't. i know i may have changed alot, but i want to become more open minded to situations... if somethings not the way that i think it should be then automatically i'm like NOPE aint happening.. to whatever this situation may be? if that makes sense? it does to me...

i'm ready for the change... i'm tired of feeling the way i feel.. all i got to do is the step work! why am i procrastinating so long to do it? why not get it done with? get to that point of CHANGE!?! i'm slacking, alot. and i feel it, and i dont like it. but i want the work to do itself, but i know that that won't happen...

it's time to get my butt in gear and do the work! time to step up and do what God wants me to do... its time to make that change!♥