12•22•10

i haven't written in a while... so, let's catch everyone up!

the past six days-- i've been dying! (exaggerating, ha! i am a drama queen :]) i've been sick with fever and flu like symptoms and i don't want to be sick anymore... but yet, i've still been going going going... getting everything done like i should.

so right now, with me drinking my theraflu :) i guess let me get going on with what's been going on with me... 

well, i've been doing stepwork! still on step 4-- i hate this step. last night went to dee's going away dinner, which i should of stayed at home in bed, but i enjoyed going there anyway... made some new friends :)) something that's been a problem for me here lately is me always trying to make others happy, instead of me doing what makes me happy! i know i won't go anywhere in life pleasing other people but i don't like people being mad at me :( i want everyone to like me! hahaha. which i know that is not reality whatsoever! but wouldn't that be nice? anyways, with that being said... i guess i am going to lay down in my bed, curl up in a ball, and GO TO SLEEP AND GET SOME REST FOR ONCE! hahaha.

change.

the past is the past for a reason, right? so, why do we hold onto things that will never be? why do we hold onto the things that hurt us everytime we think about them? i'm saying "we" hoping i am not the only one that feels this way... me, well-- i hold resentments... and a lot of them. a lot of the resentments i hold i brought them upon myself with my own doing.

the past six and a half months, i have dealt with myself-- clean and sober... trying to figure out me, and who i am and what i like... which this process is hard! sometimes i feel like i'll never get it! and at days, i do think i will... it is a ROLLERCOASTER. i sit here and i can talk about what i should be doing and what's right, but the question is am i talking the talk? or am i walking the walk...?

here lately i feel as if maybe, i am slacking... forgetting about the big picture? i am still really trying to figure out who i am and what i might like because honestly i don't know what i like... i've really became CLOSE MINDED here lately. at the beginning of my recovery i was very VERY open minded.. now i feel as if i am closing my mind to anything.. like my mind is telling me I'VE GOT THIS! which i know isn't true-- i don't got this... and i know i don't. i know i may have changed alot, but i want to become more open minded to situations... if somethings not the way that i think it should be then automatically i'm like NOPE aint happening.. to whatever this situation may be? if that makes sense? it does to me...

i'm ready for the change... i'm tired of feeling the way i feel.. all i got to do is the step work! why am i procrastinating so long to do it? why not get it done with? get to that point of CHANGE!?! i'm slacking, alot. and i feel it, and i dont like it. but i want the work to do itself, but i know that that won't happen...

it's time to get my butt in gear and do the work! time to step up and do what God wants me to do... its time to make that change!♥

hope♥

it's hope that's there when you're in need

to somewhere, somehow plant the seed

that yes, there's hope to carry on;

support the weak and make them strong.

whatever contest may be held

or when it seems your cause be felled,

when all seems lost and without reason

hope springs alive, she'll have her season.

that little seed from long ago

she planted thre will start to grow,

because of hope we'll all survive

because we all kept hope alive.

that seed she nestled in our breast

that helps make us our very best,

an angel's gift she loves to share

you'll always know hope is there.

addict/alcoholic...

so tonight i get a phone call from a really good friend... i could tell things had been bothering this person alot! for a while now...

keep in mind this person(an addict) got clean and sober on their own with out rehab.. without the 12 steps...

they called tonight, they told me some pretty personal things that broke my heart. things like they want to go back out and use-- their head isnt right. told me they didnt think being clean and sober is worth it. in a hopeless state of mind to where they think no matter what they did or how they did it they will never be happy so they should go back out and use.

i am really upset to hear this... i remember those days- that hopeless state of mind. the thought that no matter what you did clean or using would ever be good enough. the fact that you will never be happy again. forgot what being happy actually was... the fact that the only the you do is HURT people. sitting there thinking everyday that the only reason to be put on this earth is to die. so screw it? why not just hit the pipe if all your doing is thinking about how much you've screwed up and how you can't go back and change it...

it's not true. you, them, anyone can make a change... it's not about how strong you are-- its not about how much money you have... it's about HOW WILLING YOU ARE TO GO THROUGH WITH THAT CHANGE. alot of people tell me all the time "erica, you are so strong!" and all that great stuff which i am thankful that people see that! but the thing is, this didnt take strength.. it took me being willing to change. me being willing to go to rehab to stop living the life i was living. to sit there and hear this person tell me those things broke my heart because i have been in there shoes. i know what it feels like to feel like there is no hope.

i know there is nothing i can do, but take them to a meeting... suggest rehab and from there on that is their decision to make. this disease of addiction is no joke. i know people joke around and say they are alcoholics... but the thing is-- this disease will KILL you if you have it. and it doesnt care what color what size and what sex you are... the key isn't to stop using.. it's to stop STARTING. we can all think we can quit. which we can... two hrs with out using, hey that's considered quitting.. its all about STOP STARTING. it's sad that people die from this disease.. a FEELINGS DISEASE. addicts/alcoholics dont want to feel! i know what its like... and if you or someone you know has this disease of addiction or alcoholism take a stand and help. if they want that help.

i know that if it wasnt for everyone that is in my life right now, and the people who stood by MY SIDE through all of this i would either be in jail OR dead. and that's facts. i hope if you do have this problem and no one knows about it that you will step up and maybe be willing to stop it. cause your not fooling anyone but yourself. if no one has told you today, i love you... and i know what it feels like and i am here for anyone that needs help. i pray for the suffering addict/alcoholic who is still out there suffering and doesn't know that there is a new way to live...

update.

well, i have been really busy to post anything-- sorry! :) but i guess we'll go back to my birthday and i will update you from there.


well, december 2nd was my birthday... that day my kiddos and my friends from work threw me a suprise bday party! i was really greatful! it was probably one of the best birthday parties i have had in a very long time! that night mom and my aunt and my little brother came in-- i got another cake and some AWESOME GIFTS! we went out to eat and spent some time together. the next night, i hung out with my friend hallie bolton-- we played taboo.. :)) and went out to eat. needless to say, the birthday weekend was GREAT! my house threw me a little shin-dig for my birthday as well... MEXICAN FIESTA! :)) thanks to everyone i have in my life right now i honestly couldn't of asked for a better birthday!

now, i know i mentioned being scared and everything being 21, but now-- it just shows me how much more WILLING i am to keep doing what i am doing and to take suggestions from my great wonderful sponsor! :)

everything has been going pretty smooth, no drama. just a good life- i've been doing some research on OXFORD (which is the house i stay in) to learn more about it... i've been getting into service work and just trying to do the right thing!

i'll post more later when i actually have something to talk about? ha!

big two one.

well, i dont really know what to think right now ... i will be 21 less than two hours-- and i am so scared. yeah, i know- most people are excited and happy about being 21. not this girl...

i am so terrified right now-- i am scared cause know legally i will be able to buy beer. which i am an alcoholic-- and i know things will get hard for me and i just hope i dont go to that store and buy that beer. reason being, a) i will lose everything i have worked so hard for. b) i will no longer have some of the friends that i have made, which they are amazing. c) i will let a LOT of people down.

this worries me, so much! around the holidays-- and i am already having a tough time at that. tomorrow will be six months clean and sober for me-- which i am really excited about. mom is coming down with my little brother for my birthday. no complaints. just frightened.

i know with the TOOLS that i have learned over the past six months and the closer i have come to God, i know that i am okay. I have faith that i will remain clean and sober-- just a little bit scared of how to deal with this..

i am going to keep doing what i am doing-- seems to be working for me.  which is take suggestions from my WONDERFUL SPONSOR. and listen to the people that care about me. keep my head up and stay strong-- nothing can bring me down.