step three...

"Made the decision to turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood him."


Being convinced, I was at Step 3. Which is that I decided to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood Him. Just what do I mean by that, and what do I do?
The first requirement is that I be convinced that any life run on self-will can hardly be a success. On that basis I am almost always in collinson with something or somebody, even though my motives are good. I try to live by self-propulsion. I am like an actor who wants to run the whole show; is forever trying to arrange the lights, the ballet, the scenerary, and the rest of the players in my own way. If my arrangements would only stay put, if only people would do as I wished, the show would be great. Everybody, including me, would be pleased. Life would be wonderful. In trying to make these arrangements I may sometimes be quite virtious. I may be kind, considerate, patient, generous; even modest and self-sacrificing. On the other hand, I may be mean, egotistical, selfish, and dishonest. But, as most humans, I am more likely to have varied traits.
What usually happens? The show doesn't come off as well. I begin to think that life doesn't treat me right. I decide to exert myself more. I become, on the next occasion, still more demanding or gracious, as the case may be. Still the play does not suit me.
Admitting I may somewhat at fault, I am sure that otehr people are more to blame. I become angry, indignant, self-pitying. What is my basic trouble? Am I not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind? Am I not a victim of the delusion that I can wrest satisfaction and hapiness out of this world if only I manage well? Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things I want? And do not my actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can to get out of the show? Am I not, even in my best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
I am self-centered, ego-centric as like to call it nowadays. I am like the retired business man who lolls in Florida sunshine in the winter complaining in the sad state of nation; the minister who sighs over the sin of the twentieth century; politicians and reformers who are sure all would be Utopia if the rest of the world would only behave; the outlaw safe cracker who thinks society has wronged him; and the alcoholic who has lost all and is locked up. Whatever my protestations, am I not concerned with myself, my resentments, or my self-pity?
Selfishness- Selfcenteredness! That, I think, is the root of my troubles. Driven by 100 forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, I step on the toes of my fellows and they retaliate. Sometimes they hurt me, seemingly without provocation, but I invariably find that at sometime in the past I have made decisions based on self which later placed me in a position to be hurt.
So my troubles, I think, are basically of my own making. They arise cut out of myself, and the alcoholic (me) is an extreme example of self-will run riot though usually I don't think so. Above everything, I must be rid of this selfishness. I must of it will kill me! God makes that possible. And there often seems no way of entirely getting rid of self without His aid. I had moral and philosophical convictions galore, but I could not live up to them, even though I would have liked too. Neither could I reduce my self-centeredness much by wish or trying on my own power. I had to have God's help.
This is the how and why of it. First of all, I had to quit playing God. It didn't work. Next, I decided that here after in this drama of life, God was going to be my director. He is the prinicipal; I am His agent. He is the Father; and I am His child. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which I passed to freedom.
When I sincerely took such a position, all sort of remarkable things followed. I had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what I needed if I kept Him close and performed His work well. Established on such footing I became less and less interested in myself, my little plans and designs. More and more I became interested in seeing what I contribute to life. As I felt new power flow in, as I enjoyed peace of mind, as I discovered I could face life successfull, as I became conscious of His presence, I began to lose my fear of today, tomorrow, or the hereafter. I was re-born.


Revised By: Erica Morris
From: THE BIG BOOK OF A.A.
Alcoholics Anonymous.