This morning I got up, went to church and went on with my sunday routine of going to my rehab and speaking to other alcoholics and/or addicts. This weekend has been kind of blah for me and I have realized some things in my life that need to be changed.
Well, I have been trying to build a relationship with my dad since I have been clean and sober. My memaw always told me I should have a relationship with my father even if he has done wrong in the past. I should "let it go" right? Well, since I have been clean I am really trying to follow this through. My dad is the type of person that anything and everything you try to do or do is NEVER good enough. I've got 5 months, and 2 weeks clean now. Just after I got out of rehab me and my dad talked and I was proud of me being clean just 30 days. He told me "once you're clean for 6 months then I believe you're done." Well, the past month I have tried calling him, when I am in Paris tried to see him. Needless to say, he is like NO WHERE around. Just once I want my dad to be proud of me. I know he has a lot going on right now, but doesn't he understand he HAS KIDS?! Honestly, the old me wants to come out and say SCREW YOU I don't need to have anything to do with you... you never have been in my life really before, right? Now that I am trying to change... I'm still trying to get through to him and make him proud. Which is dumb, I know. It's hard to get out of this mental mind frame though.
Another thing I have been struggling with is myself. Still trying to figure out "who I am". I have actually learned alot about myself the past few months which I am trying to change some of the things that are a PROBLEM. I am like one of the most impatient people in the world! God is testing me with my patience, I think, with this whole car issue. I wrecked my car almost two weeks ago and the insurance people are taking TEN YEARS to figure out if it is totaled or not.
I need to start listening to people more, and quit thinking! My thinking gets me no where... My thinking will lead me back to what I was doing just six months ago. I'm so thankful and greatful for the friends and family that I have in my life right now. They have stuck by my side through my struggles before, during, and after. I know I am going to be okay. If I don't like the way something is I HAVE to change it... and if I can't change it, then I will just have to change the way I think about it.
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