distractions...

well, i've found my mind doing tricky things and wondering once again! lets see... my mind is making me think that i'm starting to like people... when i am REALLY not. my mind has got me distracted on other things than what i should be worried about. my mind has got me believing, yet once again, that i am not doing a good enough job as a person and/or what i should be doing isn't good enough either.

the mind works in mysterious ways, and I DONT LIKE IT! ha. everything my mind is thinking are distractions on how i truly feel. i dont know about you-- but i dont like to feel anything. i dont like to feel pain when i am hurt. i dont like to feel sad when i'm let down. i dont like feelings at all-- that just shows how much my disease (addiction) controls my life. wait, i worded that wrong. that is how much i let my disease control my life. my life i let run on self will-- i try to be in control. i try to play GOD. and i can tell you, it isnt working out for me.

right now, i am dealing with the stress of the holidays with the loss of my two grandparents this year and the fact i am trying a new way of life and living sober. dont get me wrong, i love my new life-- its way better than the life i was living. but it's hard changing and trying to realize "erica, you don't like that guy! he is just an easy distraction for you" or "erica, your seriously about to go hangout with friends when you know you have things that are needed to be done with your RECOVERY!"

i'm getting to this point in my life where seriously enough is enough.. what will it take for me to completey one hundred percent turn this all over to God and live happy, joyous, and free? all i got to do is do it right? well, much easier said than done. i am a control freak. i like things to go my way. and i love to know whats going on pretty much 24/7... but the feelings that i am feeling right now i need to turn over to God and let Him take control. you know, i see and hear all the time of these people that let God control their life and they are so happy! there is my proof so what's stopping me from doing it?

i know this will pass and i know that i will be better. i just wish it would hurry up and happen. that's when patience steps in-- which i dont have much of that either..

i am a work in progress! and i am trying so hard and just want to say thanks to those who have supported me along the way.